Tuesday, 30 March 2010

No Country For Sick Men

"Health is Wealth" -Chinese Proverb

"Screw the Chinese" -Yours Truly

Yes, there are quite a few options that being an invalid in the middle of summer in a college without a good health system gives you. No, none of them are very pleasant, which is of course to say that an anal retentive in the middle of the longest constipation you have ever had might be a bit more pleasant. However, it is interesting the number of sheer avenues that open up when you do get down with something is only rivalled by the sheer nymber of avenues that open up in front of you when you don't want to go anywhere. Oh yeah, the period immediately after you get sick is one of the most productive periods in the history of your life. Yes, it begins with a period of extreme relaxation... sang froid, even, followed by a period of extreme introspection. When you realise, alternately, that you are a really decent guy, or a really furry rabbit... Or both. That is when you should realise that you really ought to have taken your medication, or should stop introspecting, preferably both.

Now, for those of you who might be new to the sort of bliss a fever provides, I have endeavoured to list for you here the sort of things( and by things I mean wholesome activities) you can do whne you have a fever in the middle of a really hot summer.

1.Pretend you are the King of The World... yes, and not just some lame Titanic dialogue either. Being sick actually gives you the sort of crazed drug induced delirium to allow you to pretend that you are in fact the undisputed grand ruler.

2.Pretend you are about to be assassinated... should spice up your life, and has the rather pleasant side effect of alienating you from all those really irritating people who keep asking you, "How's it going?" You're sick ffs, what do they think would be going?!

3. Actively try spreading your germs. Treat it as your own personal competition. For the misanthropes among you...this should be a blast!! Take personal malicious enjoyment in your conquests, as one after other people succumb to your virulent disease.

4. Win a Case Study Competition. From personal experience, its really easy to win a case study competition when you are sick. After all, you then know exactly how the stupid organiser feels..as well as the stupid judges. Or you're too stupid with drugs to know the difference.. or care about it. Either way.. you can do it!!

5. Try and pass it off as AIDS. Smile inwardly at the looks of horror you get when you tell people that you have AIDS. Then try getting them to borrow your razor, your aftershave or your hair oil. Oh and make up creative stories about how exactly you got it, preferably involving more than 1 girl.

Now that you have these tips with you, I'm sure your fever induced depression would now be a thing of the past. Now you can utilize your time, and be sick, all without any compromise. Voila...

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