Monday, 8 February 2010

Prodigiously Perfidious.... and the use of meaningless verbosity in blogs..

Okay, well, this is to help me help you somehow contrive not to be one of THOSE blogs. THOSE being a collective noun for ranty, useless, jam-packed with prose that no one cares about blogs. Now there are a lot of guides on the web about how to be a good writer, a prolific blogger, a really good person....President of The United States, or a qualified neuro-surgeon. But i think i might not be exaggerating if I tell you that my advice would be a bit more... realistic. Okay enough with the bullshit. Onto the list I say...(fanfare, and twenty nubile maidens doing cartwheels in my head right now)

1.Don't write about yourself... Now unless you are a neurotic narcissist you shouldn't have a problem with that. Your blog should not be something like... I woke up this morning...god I'm hairy...I ate some stale pizza last night... You get the picture. Unless of course you are a sexy girl with photos to back it up. Then EVERYONE wants you to write about yourself.

2.Take a shit. It's a known fact that most ideas that have been fermenting inside your cranium take concrete shape inside the bathroom. Whether oyu are bathing, or disposing of last night's stale pizza, chances are you will get hit by that stupendous thunderbolt you had been waiting for all week.
Also, I would not recommend this for when you are shaving...any part of your body. It might result in a few razor nicks... or infinitely worse...

3.SEX. Yes, write about your sex life. Only if it exists/is moderately interesting. And well, you will attract the tens of thousands of perverts out there in the world. Which is certainly not a bad thing when you are looking for eyeballs. Oh and make sure to disable commenting... And if you are dumb enough to give your contact details in the blog...

4.Diversify. No one wants to hear the same shit over and over and over again. Yes, not even if you are a hot girl. Trust me on this.

5.Keep it short. Yes, that means you don't start off with,"since brevity is the soul of wit..." and proceed to write a 1500 word essay on brevity. Keep it short, keep it simple and keep it stupid. It will surprise you to know how relevant this is...and about how short an attention span most people have.

Yes, these are the five points that should help you on your way to becoming the prolific blogger that you always imagined yourself to be. Or not. Either way, I say with utmost confidence that this is the definitive treatise on blogging anywhere out in the web today. Or not. Then again, perfidy isn't exactly a detraction from anyone's blog, if you've read between the lines, you'll know exactly what I mean.. ;)

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