Friday, 19 February 2010

Vaudeville Patois and Autorickshawallah Billingsgate

So, what's worse than an auto driver who can't drive straight? A DESPO auto- driver who can't drive straight. Oh, yes, I had just such an experience with exactly the sort of auto driver from your nightmares. WHAT?! You don't have nightmares about auto-drivers?? Well, after reading this post, you most certainly shall.

So, it was an ordinary morning, and an ordinary trip by rickshaw to the university main gate. Now, this rickshaw wasn't the motorized kind, but the sort that made the human being a beast of burden, and is specifically meant to show the world, and all the trade analysts in their London offices that India is NOT destined to be a superpower, err, not even a sidekick power, the sort that allows you to shoot lightning bolts from your navel. Anyway, and I do have a tendency to deviate from the point, the point was. This auto driver drove past us like a lightning bolt from the navel(pardon the expression, really), turned his head around, and reversed his auto(yes, it does reverse, just like a train reverses...and yes, i HAVE seen them reversing...). So he yells at us,"CANTT?". And of course, due to a lack of advanced precognition faculties, so highly developed in flies and the advertising industry, we say,"HAAN BHAIYA, CANTT."

So, this guy now has his hapless, unsuspecting victims safely ensconced in the rather clean backseat of a shiny new auto. And, as if to confirm this fact, he proceeds to demonstrate his shiny new horn to us, by blowing it as LOUD as possible. And on a completely deserted road. After 10 minutes, I realise I cant stand much more of this shit, lean forward and shout,"BAS KARO YAAR...GAI BHAINS ko suna rahe ho kya?" To which he flashes a magnificent smile. Oh yes, point proved. I have a new auto. Congratulate me, will you? And he proceeds to drive at a breakneck speed, despite my insistence that we are NOT late for the train(in fact we were an hour early) he continued to attempt to break the land speed record.

That is, until something strange happened. The brake was pressed. For the first time in 2 km. , the brake was pressed!! I turned my head, and we saw a pretty girl headed towards us. The auto was deathly silenced, till someone went GULP. I realised that our James Bond of an auto driver was a sucker for a pretty face. Who would have guessed?

So this girl proceeds to sit down next to me, determined to ignore everything in the world, except for her rather well worn Samsung mobile phone. And the auto-wallah proceeds, with his eyes firmly on the rearview mirror, instead of the road ahead. Te girl was texting like her life depended on it, most probably something like,HELP!!! or I don't want to DIE!! not with ENGINEERING students. We held on to the rod, the handlebar, the seat cover, our hair, plastic straps, and curtains in order to counter the centrifugal forces built up in the auto, and just barely succeeded in overcoming the highly obstinate force of gravity.

And finally we were there. And we were safe. And nobody got killed, except for that cute little black puppy, just kidding. The girl ended up paying 2 rs extra, service charge i supposed,to get ogled. She got the worse end of the deal, but took it in good humour, smiling all the way. The autowallah proceeded to smile at her, and stared longingly at her ass the moment she turned around and made her way to the station. I would have loved to put my foot through his face, but at that very moment, he turned and said, " LADKI, MAST THI NAA...MAINE ISLIYE TO ROKA THA" with the sort of enthu I reserve for free scotch and mass bunks. We,had to agree, paid the fare, minus a good 10 bucks, and walk to the station, shaking our heads vigourously, and grinning like buffoons.

1 comment:

  1. Ultimate.... HAHAhahaha... CANT AGREE MORE... SALE AUTO WALE KAMINE HI HOTE HAI... :p