Saturday, 24 July 2010

Superciliously Proselytized...and 10 things you might (not) do in college

There are differences between the average college goer and the IT college goer. For one thing, the lack of an extra I in the college name seems to have left many without the feeble strand of sanity that may be found elsewhere... Also,zany as they might be, the average (other) college goer is nowhere as compared to the average IT college goer. WHich, literally, and rather unequivocally may seem to suggest that the IT college goer is superior. However, this is soo not the case, and just to rub it in your face... IT college goer( sounds sooo much better than student) are not superior. So, your supercilious alter ego can take a break now!! Yeah, thats right...go tuck it up, and when you are done, come again to partake of some more of this tortuous dribble.

SO, we as a general population(and I mean general, not you dear reader) tend to think we are, in most ways, better than the other guy. Even when we aren't, we have the most convenient explanation, it's called luck...And that's just one of the few things you can do in your college...bitch about how lucky the other guy is.

But for nine of the other things(yes, don't you think I am going to renege on my promises now), here goes: (on cue...trumpet...wait for it...trumpet again..)

For Boys:-
1.Buy a beer...drink it in really small gulps...and pretend to be drunk...Ahh.. bliss

2.Download and watch porn, its easy, its cheap, and you know you've got to anyway..being in Kota for 2 years really screws you up that way.

3.Listen to some interesting new Linkin Park..or Green's so might as well listen to it over and over

4.Complain about how few girls there are in the college..then brag about how you were the STUD in your school days...then complain about how no girl will talk to you now...yeah it's their attitude...NOT your face..

5.Laugh really loudly..or sing..even better...because of course...people love to hear you sing and laugh...and don't think you're obnoxious...not at all...

For Girls:-
1.PRetend that you're really good looking...because everyone in your class thinks sooo...and of course..the lack of comparisons/options it even more convincing

2.Let everything go to your head..

3.Get REALLY into rock music!! Yes...listen to Led Zepellin's(sic) Kashmir..and maybe 2 more songs...most importantly..make lots of \m/ \m/ in your stat messages

4.Get a boyfriend..preferably someone who is passing out in a year...or has already

5.Get another boyfriend...repeat steps 4 and 5 until passing out/boyfriend bankruptcy

And if you already do at least 3/5 things well as network on social sites like are uber-cool. I cant even begin to tell you how super awesome you are, but I'm sure you know already...So i won't bother..

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Vociferously Quixotic...and why too much alchemy may be bad for you

This post arose out of the blue, when, out of a really hazy puff of smoke someone pulled the word inception out from under the table. really is an enigmatic word of some proportion...whose cause was not really helped by a rather laconic(and completely pointless) movie *ing Leonardo Di Caprio. Now, the literal translation of inception, in Hindi, as advertised by the various multiplex owners in my city was, "Sapno ka Maayajaal". Which would, once again, literally translated to English, mean, "Illusions of Dreams". Why this does not follow a linear relationship is not immediately obvious...and many people have gone on to misinterpret the word inception as Illusion, Confusion, or Induction. This is weirdly similar to the concept of the Matrix, which when watched in Hindi, would seem a juxtaposition of Makdee and DDLJ.

So, thats all there is to say about that...and btw, and fyi, not to forget fu...inception does not mean, seriously, it doesn't. What it means is establishment. And yes..Hindi film dubbers are a bunch of assholes.

But what's really annoying is the stuff I learnt in my Instrumental Chemistry class the other day. No, I'm not drunk, and no, the prof isn't crazy...but read on, it makes for some really interesting stuff. Briefly summarised, and hopefully not completely lost in translation, thse would be as follows:

1. Sleep for 3 hours a day. Eat for 3 minutes a day. This maintians optimal health, and balance in the body.

2. Snakes live for a thousand years. And can change shape if and when they desire. This was of course, preceded by the usual disclaimer, "I am a man of science...but you have GOT to know this fact.." Yeah right.

3. There are certain cells in the human palm which, after about 100 years, become photosensitive. The end result is not clear...and hasn't been researched, according to the prof...but it appears that light may emanate from such palms.

ANd this prof isn't really quixotic in the sort of sense that people with lazy eye are. Nope. His philandering is more to do with the sort fo facts you might have learnt in grade school...and until now have taken for, just facts. Or the sort fo myth, you might have learnt to laugh at in the same grade school, and didn't give a hoot about, until, and rather ominously,now.

Because it isn't about what you believe to be nonsense that matters. YEs, what matters is that you don't piss of that snake...

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Service and Gratitude

There is a difference between politicians in India, and politicians in the United Kingdom. Just like there is a difference between an orangutan, and a bowl of peas. To say that the people of India worship their politicians would be an understatement, an oxymoron, and rather pointless. The people of India worship anything and everything anyone with halfa mind tells them to. And why hsouldn't they..after all...we are a country with more temples than homeless shelters, more gods than the people of Luxembourg. But, where it has all ogne wrong, and this is no side effect, but the main that it has gone to the head of those in power. Because, in our country, being a politician is not just another is a throne.

You needn't have read Acton to know that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But you would need a course in Advanced political studies to know that the power given to a politician isn't really power at all, it's a responsibility. And that's where the difference originates. Because no one really knows the difference, and very few people care. Let me elucidate.

A politician's job is just that, a job. They come in at 9, leave at 5. Sit at their desks all day. Have breaks to use facebook,the restroom or the lounge. Except that it isn't.

And why not? Because we have become way too used to being ruled....instead of being served. We think of our MP or our MLA as our ruler. Where in truth, he is our server. This is where comparisons with the UK are patent.See, those idiots have never really been ruled anyone. THe Romans, Germans, Russians...and more recently the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis, have tried, and failed. As a result...the MPs there, aren't really rich, or obscenely powerful.

And as far as misappropriation of funds, and graft goes, its startling to note, that a country with 10 times the GDP per capita of our country, takes tougher action, on cases of graft that are a 100 times less than that of ours. Derek Conway...of the Conservative party, lost his hat, his seat, and his respect, after he supposedly misappropriated the equivalent of Rs. 9,60,000. Yes, thats all the zeroes. In that figure, we find our salvation. The Members of Parliament are just doing their job. Unfortunately, they haven't realised that as yet.

Neither have we.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

The pursuit of Hornyness

When you look at a brochure of Benaras, oldest city on earth, land of a thousand only temples, abode of the mystics…and general dung heap , you see a shimmering Ganges… a spotless armada of ferry boats, and a couple of fat naked people and a whole lot of cows. However, what the brochures fail to show you , and trust me, this is important…is the roads of this city.

Roads are, some corny old architect by the name of Lutyens had said, the arteries of any city. Well, in that case Varanasi has suffered a triple bypass surgery, multiple transfusions, and an appendectomy(for no particular reason). The roads of this mighty old city have now been replaced by ditches. And unless this is an abortive bid by the city to host the next edition of the Paris- Dakar rally, it really doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

But, India, as we know, thrives on non sequiturs. As far as the public of Varanasi is concerned, it gives them no joy to drive through a sandstorm, a couple of dunes, and a municipal gutter just to reach work. It, however, gives them great joy to be able to show off their most prized automobile, NOT the 10,000 rupee Blaupunkt stereo system…the horn.

And this is where my rather deviantly styled title draws its blood from. Sorry to disappoint the more lecherous among you. I will really not be discussing horny people…yeah, logoff and go watch some porn. But, instead, I will be addressing that most ubiquitous medium of sound pollution…the car horn. They range from the mild tweeters… that go a gentle “please move out of my way”, to the woofers, that go, “fuck off you son of a….”

Now, what makes a Banarasi truly happy is the sound of his horn. And while there are indications of sadism-masochism in the typical banarasi…it doesn’t really matter if the horn is loud enough, all that matters is that the horn is painful enough, and pushed into action regularly. Most drivers revel in the pandemonium caused by the concomitant cacophony of cascading confusion (yep, so true….you get the picture…they like to blow their own horn a lot. Some benarasis are so happy at the purchase of a new horn they insist on showing it off, even if it is to an empty audience on a deserted road.

Others…simply have paralysed lef hands, a birth defect found in many people due to consumption of holy water from the ganges after birth. Yes well, these dead hands would need their co passengers to helpfully lif their hands up and over the horn, thus resulting in considerably lower sound emission…which, simply wouldn’t do at all.
I don’t blame anyone. In a city where motorists are competing for road space with dogs, cats, elephants, cows, and mutated frogs, they have every right to make every other species aware of their presence. I just hope that they wouldn’t really need to remind us all that often or as loudly.